Nevers Sekwila Mumba, Insincerely Yours: My Open Letter to the MMD President

Nevers Sekwila MumbaDear Nevers Sekwila Mumba:

I must register my disappointment at the manner you Dr. Mumba have behaved towards His Excellency the President of our Republic, His Excellency Mr. Michael Chilufya Sata, SC and Supreme Commander of our armed forces. Dr. Mumba what even enrages me more is the fact that even after His Excellency called your host on Joy FM to cancel the show, you defied him and went on with your program. That was seriously so wrong. I should write this letter to you with a very heavy heart.

But before I deal with the substantive issues you discussed on that radio show, let me first address the fact that our president even called you in the first place. You see, you wasted the president’s time. Don’t you know that His Excellency’s time is very precious? In fact, you cost the taxpayers a lot of money by letting His Excellency even make the call to Joy FM. Mr. President is a very busy man. He should not be subjected to acting for nonentities such as yourself. You see, by phoning Joy FM the president missed out on listening into some bedrooms across this country. This is exactly what he had told Chief Jumbe during the opening of the House of Chiefs. Mr. President said that he is such a powerful person who can and does listen to everything Jumbe whispers including the shrieks in his bedroom. Now with all these responsibilities, Dr. Mumba you decided to act irresponsibly so that the president would waste his valued time on a phone call to you.

That phone call also wasted his time that he could have spent in the red brick laboratory reviewing the DNA of some of your opposition colleagues. You see just like he had mentioned in Chipata, the president has data that Hichilema and the Reverend Father Bwalya are “abana ba mufigololo”. You know how he knew that? It is because, he is supposed to spend time, reviewing DNA that proves paternity. And so if you yourself, think that you are clever, the red brick boys have already taken a sample and very soon an announcement will be made in Malambo that you too perhaps are just like Bwalya or Hichilema. Now your actions that day, took the president away from working on this important national assignment.

Please Dr. Mumba never do this again. Never should you ever let the president waste his time like this. That day, he missed his duties in the red brick laboratory and of course in the red brick studio.

After having dealt with why you are such a time waster. I must now deal with the substantive issues you raised in that Joy FM interview. In fact, everything you said in that radio has been restated in the letter you sent to our president. Dr. Mumba you should know that the President is the authority on everything. This is what his relative Bo Phillis Lombe said about him. If you read the judgment she rendered in the case of Bo Mutuna and his friends, she stated very clearly that President Sata is the authority on everything. She also stated that Micheal Sata has information and receives information on everything and in fact, everybody. Do you know what this means?

I don’t even for a moment expect you to know what this means.  But let me help you understand it. It means that President Sata is not only the commander in chief of our soldiers, but he is also the commander in chief of mathematics, calculus, statistics and arithmetic. In fact, he is the authority on time, days and hours. It means that everything has no meaning except that which he assigns to it.

You are complaining about the constitution. You see, president Sata, just like he had promised, has delivered a people driven constitution within 90 days. That constitution is all over the country. In fact, it has been translated in all the mother tongues of Zambia. I know you have not seen it because you allegedly suffer from a serious bout of psychosis. On the other hand, the President does not suffer from any of these big diseases you allegedly lumped on him. He has evidence of this constitution, which was delivered within 90 days!

The president has also increased salaries of civil servants by 300% or is it 200%. How dare, do you say that our president is a liar? The civil servants went to the bank and, in fact, found that their salaries increased by about 10pin or is it 30pin. But you see, this does not mean that the president is a liar, all it means is that 300% changes meaning when it is touched by the commander in chief of arithmetic. And so civil servants are now smiling with this unprecedented increase in their salaries. I have heard that some nurses want to protest. But these nurses do not know how to count. If they knew how to count, or if they cared to learn it from the Chief Statistician himself, they would have come to the same conclusion that a salary increase of 300% would only add 10 pin or 30 pin to their previous salaries. Is the president a liar? I would say no Dr. Mumba. The president is just a good magician.

Dr. Mumba you accuse the president of having built nothing. Are you not seeing him every day commissioning already finished roads within 90 days? Go to Chawama, to Kuku and to Chinsali. The roads are there. The roads in fact, have been built in 90 days. With all this evidence only psychosis can make a person think otherwise. Go to all these places and you will find the finished roads, paved and sparkling clean as a result of the hard work of His Majesty, (ooops His Excellency). It really does not matter that in fact, none of these roads have been done in actual fact, and it does not matter that actually most of these roads were built and planned for by Rupiah Banda. You see again, President Sata is the authority on everything. If you want to see a new road go to him and he will grace you with the ability to see. Honestly, not even his ministers are convinced of all this development. This is why the other day he called them together and lambasted them for not seeing the good roads he alone has built for them. Quite unsurprisingly, it is only after they went to State House after that meeting, that suddenly, the brave ministers realized that in fact, yes, the nation is prospering again. I think you too, Mr. former vice-president need to visit State House and then you will see!

About the Euro Bond? You see, Dr. Mumba, the economic prowess of His Excellency is being demonstrated by his ability to get us deep into kaloba. Actually forget about that debt hole you helped us recover from when you were vice-president. President Sata has a marvelous plan for us. He will dig us deep into debt with the shylocks of New York. Imagine, this has never happened before. When his government wanted to ask for some kaloba in New York, the investors from there in fact quadrupled the amount of kaloba we could get. We went for $750,000,000 but they were willing to give us $7,000,000,000 of kaloba. Count the zeros. These zeros are dollars, American dollar un-rebased. This Dr. Mumba is good economic mismanagement. How then do you say President Sata is a leader of confusion? Is this confusion? Does confusion look like this? In fact, for your own misinformation, some of this kaloba has already been used up to pay civil servants the promised 300% increment, which in actual fact is only a 30pin increment. This is not foolishness as you supposed, it is known as good economic mis-management.

Lastly, but not least, you should know something. His Majesty (oops again, His Excellency) has a great plan for Zambia. He has imported free labour from China. He has installed riffraffs in his party and he has in fact, changed your slogan from Zambia shall be saved to something to the effect that Zambia shall be shamed.

After writing you this letter, I could not differentiate reality from fantasy. And so I had to ask the Drug Enforcement Commission (DEC) to give me some of that stuff they had stolen from Brebner Changala’s bedroom. May be Vermox will help me.

Insincerely Yours,

Munshya wa Munshya

2 responses to “Nevers Sekwila Mumba, Insincerely Yours: My Open Letter to the MMD President

  1. Tushe’….. you took the words right out of my mouth!

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